The Perspectiva: 10 things Latinos need to stop doing with gold

I understand the sociological need for those that are trying to assert their new life of prosperity by creating an image of wealth. This is usually done through the purchase of expensive shinny things, mainly gold (oro!) However, mi gente….we’ve gone astray and we need to have a moratorium on this. These things are not in order of importance; we just need to stop all of them.

Here are the 10 things that we need to stop doing with gold.

Stop buying and wearing gold hoop earrings with your name!

To this moment I have not seen a single magazine, newscast, picture or celebrity wearing these. Who the F#$% came up with this? The larger the hoop the lower the IQ. Stay away from anyone wearing an earring with a name with more than 5 letters.

Gold should not be in your mouth!
If you went to the dentist in the mid 70’s you have been grandfathered in. However, no one should be wearing gold on their teeth. New technologies can make your teeth look great! There is nothing great on looking at a grill or a front gold tooth unless you are the gangster Pedro Navaja or giving oral satisfaction to “Goldmember”.

Thou shall not put rims or gold trim in your car!
Listen your mighty pimpness. No car manufacturer gives the option of accessories in gold. It makes your ride look Fugly!

Oro should not be in your belt buckle!
Unless you have won the title match of Wrestlemania, belong to a Banda Mexican Group or won the championship belt from boxing. No! I advocate for latigazos (whippings) if you have a big barriga (gut) and you are wearing one of this horrible things.

No gold medallions or pendants larger than ½ an inch!
Escucha Mr. T wanna be. Stop it! Not cool and nothing sexy about it. 10 latigazos if you have a hairy chest.

Only one gold chain please!
I know that you took advantage of the Buy one, get one half off from the stand at the mall and you want to wear it all. Again, not even Mr. T does that anymore. Nothing screams “hey look at me, I have no sense of style, want you to rob me and I have little IQ than a bunch of chains around your neck. IQ level drops exponentially after 3 chains.

Gold decorations in your house!
This includes lamps, frames, vases and even sculptures. If Tony Montana walked into your house would probably say…”What the f#$% is this? Go watch estreeme makeover and buy some real furniture from Sears you cockroach!”

Gold crosses, crucifixes or saints anywhere, anyplace!
Psst…what would Jesus say? The man was the son of a carpenter, not a pimp or jeweler.

Men wearing more than one gold ring!
Nothing screams queen than a man wearing more than one gold ring.
2 rings= queen, 3 rings=flaming queen, 4 rings=raging queen, 5 rings=Celia Cruz wanna be queen.