Florida solutions

In the past week these news items appeared in the Tampa area.

1.Freddie the dog gets eaten by an alligator in a local urban park.

2.Sheriff Deputy dumps a paraplegic to the floor from his wheelchair and then searches him.

3.Child predators

These news are unique to Florida and require Florida style solutions.

We take convicted child predators and registered sex offenders and have them pick garbage at ponds. The Sheriff department will over see this program, particularly those deputies who have some anger issues. This will be seasonal from the months of March to September when temperatures and humidity increase to levels that rival Satan’s armpits. No mosquito repellant will be allowed. The child predators and sex offenders will be ordered and supervised to pick garbage around and inside the ponds.

These individuals will be fitted with electronic devices similar to those used for house arrests. These tracking devices will also have the capability of producing an electric charge to the testicles of the offending criminal if he dares to escape. Moreover, the devices release two specific scents: ham or chicken into the air. The offender gets to pick what to scent he or she will wear.

They will not be told that there are alligators in the pond.

Video footage of the alligator finishing a sorry excuse of a human being will be donated to “Xtreme video” TV shows and any profit from the shows will be used for programs that help victims of Sheriff and Child predator abuse.

That way justice is served, some get a laugh and everyone wins.

Clarification about the BJ posting

I’m posting this because I did not listen to the inner voice in my head:

“That blog was inappropriate”

Yet, I put it up because when I wrote it, about 5 years ago. It seemed funny. It seemed funny to every guy I talked or showed it to. Revisiting it allowed me to reflect on how different of a person I am now from that guy who thought that something was funny only to a specific audience.

The views on that entry do not reflect my current views about love, intimacy and relationships. These things are personal to me and with that entry I have devalued myself and this blog which is something I don’t want to do.

My lack of editing, laziness and thoughtfulness about the reading audience is something that happened on that entry. I apologize if I offended anyone and I hope that you (the reader) do not think of me as a sexist and chauvinistic individual. This is not who I am, nor support those views. It was poor judgment on my part and should have clarified in more detail how and why of that blog entry.

I hope you continue reading the blog entries. I will be more thoughtful about this next time.

Brutosaurio Award! Ginny Brown Waite!

Once a week someone in the news will do something so stupid, ignorant and just plain bruto. To this individual I introduce The Brutosaurio award of the week.

I would like to give the Brutosaurio award of the week to US Representative Ginny Brown-Waite.

Last week, in the floor of the House of Representatives Ms. Ginny Brown-Waite was doing her job. She was representing her constituents on the issue of the tax rebates that would be offered to US tax payers. Maybe it was the emotion, maybe the neurons in one of the hemispheres of her brain that control memory and cognition did not fire right, or maybe it was just plain ignorance. Ms. Brown uttered that foreign citizens in Puerto Rico or Guam, who do not pay US federal taxes should not get this aid.

…and I understand her concern. Those brown people who do not contribute should not be getting a benefit intended for hard working mainland citizens.

The problem started when she forgot that “those people” are citizens just like her and therefore entitled to those same benefits. Ms. Ginny Brown-Waite is our Brutosauria of the week!

Her comments are as crazy as saying that Hawaiians and Alaskans are not US citizens because they are foreign citizens. They are sort of brownish and their lands are not in the USA. Damn foreigners!

But here is something to think about: The economic situation in Puerto Rico is in a full recession with a recovery economic outlook of 3 to 4 years, and that is if everything goes bien. People are digging and stealing copper wire out of lamp posts to make money! But, don’t take my word for it that things in PR are bad. The suicide rate in the island as of now is that of 40. That is almost one per day since the beginning of the year. All of them stress-economy related.

BJ Day! (by request of river of dark rocks-you know who you are)

Introducing a new holiday prior to Valentines Day!

(The comments below are meant to be of a humorous nature. If any of you take it seriously that is your thing and the world can change.)

On the day before Valentine's Day, I propose that we develop a holiday that is aimed at the physical and emotional needs of men. Valentines Day is a truly stressful day for us, since year after year, even if you have the economic means we are asked to raise the bar of sweetness and creativity. The campaign to create this day will be done via e-mail to other men. It is my belief that no man, gay or straight, would reject the gratification of receiving a BJ present, particularly before Valentines Day.

Why before Valentines Day?
As I was stressing out over what to get for Valentines Day, I realized that no other day is aimed at men. Father's day is for fathers and it’s trivialized by ugly ass ties, shirts, hats and tools. These are items that benefit retailers and provide little if temporary physical relief. All the other holidays are neutral. Only Valentines Day....with its claims of celebrating love, friendship or romance favors for the most part women. What did you get for Valentines Day that you truly wanted? If you got “some”, good for you!...but, what was the present?...was it something you really wanted?

Do women deserve Valentines Day?
Absolutely! Women have to deal with more than your male testosterone driven cerebellum can possibly imagine. Don't be cheap, unromantic or a troglodyte. Invest on Valentines day. Even though you are advocating for a new holiday, respect what is already there. Honor your loved one with a present anyway.

But, what about BJ day?
BJ day is a voluntary campaign for men to suggest to women (or male partners) that a BJ is a good thing, a guarantee that if you get the BJ, YOU, will do your best to provide the best Valentine day gift possible. Who wouldn't? Are you that vain, selfish and low that you can’t reciprocate?

What are the benefits of BJ day?
Besides the physical?...lets see...most married men would be getting something they haven't had in years. Those in relationships will have another reason to be joyful. Those that are single will be forced to improve their game (unless you can self BJ which...hey...this is about companionship not self gratification). With the implementation of a BJ day most men would go and get a Valentines day gift without the stress, guilt or bitterness that a Valentines day gift can only create. Remember the flowers that you bought? Where are they now? BJ day would improve our economy, since I could theorize that those who benefit from BJ day could become more creative and extravagant on their gifts.

Stick it to the retailers!
Retailers and commerce (aka the man) love any opportunity they can use to take our money. Valentines Day is one of those days. With the pretext of celebrating the life of some obscure saint or some rug rat angel like creature with wings that goes around doing arrow shoot bys on Valentines Day, is the perfect tool for retailers to make money. Romance and Love should and must be celebrated everyday not when Hallmark, Victoria Secret, Walmart or Sears tells us to do it. With BJ day your Valentines Day would be more tolerable and honest. Besides, what other holiday do you know that tries to capture a feeling or emotion has been instituted in the 20th century and who could be sponsored by an ex-president (Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). X-mas, Valentines Day, Mothers, Fathers all of those days are old and played out. It is time to look forward and make it personal. Relationships can grow from this. Moreover, and most importantly, I doubt that retailers can market BJ day. Can you imagine the ads? The posters?

So...if you think that this is funny or there is a grain of truth to this, send it to someone else who thinks like you. Don't even think of sending it to your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or possible hook up unless you are truly sure he or she can be committed to celebrate BJ day.

Just because

Because I had my two year old say “Buenos dias papi” and didn’t want me to go to work, because when I woke up this morning I felt the warmth of my wife and her very pregnant belly next to me, because it wasn’t hot when I left the house, because my car was clean, because there wasn’t that much traffic, because the sky was blue and the sun was shining, because I work with smart, caring and brilliant people, because Bob Marley wrote Three little birds and I shouldn’t worry about a thing, because every little thing is going to be alright, because the space shuttle will be launched in two days, because I ate three enchiladas that were super delicious, because coffee is the elixir of the gods, because Tampa has a great library system, because the Ipod is one of the greatest inventions…ever, because I went to the post office and didn’t have to make a line, because M &M’s are delicious, because when I stare at a Picasso I see beauty, because I’ve seen children laugh, because change is coming, because I remember my abuela, because flan is way better than cake, because there are a few hundred young people walking around in the world whose lives I changed, for the better. Because those same young people have hope in the future…

I wrote this...because today was a good day.

Americo

Americo was a boy who came to this country from Central America at the age of 8, or maybe it was nine.

He came with his family illegally.

Now, before you start beating this like a piñata I humbly beg for you, to keep an open mind some measure of compassion and common sense.

When Americo came to his new American school, he did not speak English. It was apparent that his resignation to the drastic change in his life was driven by the hope of a better life by his family. I don’t know the specifics, but things were very desperate when the whole family was to cross three different countries illegally just to get here (by desperate I mean your children would be going to sleep hungry, your house can barely shelter you or your life and that of your family is seriously in danger).

Americo, at his young age, understood that coming to the US was a difficult choice predicated on the survival of his family. I think anyone in that position would do that or at least understand that.

He started school barely reading in Spanish since his elementary education had been limited. One thing was apparent, his thirst for learning. In a year, Americo was reading in English. He was happy, since he was doing something he couldn’t do in his own country: get an education. Yet, what makes his story about learning surprising is that as he is going to school, he was also working. He would work on the fields, sell produce, whatever it took to bring money to his family.

How many 5th graders do you know have that diligence and thirst for learning? Wanting to learn is a natural need, yet when in a desperate situation this need becomes much more urgent.

When Americo moved to middle school (with good grades, I might add), he was deported. I don’t know the details about how that happened. Yet, months later Americo would again return and enroll in school. He wanted to learn and knew that what was being offered to him would make him a better person. Education to him offered the possibility of someday creating a better life than the one his parents ever experienced. Unfortunately, Americo would be deported 2 more times.

He kept returning and enrolling in school.

This week three families were deported in the Wimauma area. The parents were deported while the children were in school. These children are just like Americo, and despite the harsh reality of their situation, their desire and need for learning is very strong and real.

Will their school be able not just to educate, but shape their learning experience into a positive one that will enable them to become productive citizens?

I don’t know, I’m not their teacher, principal or school board member, but if I was there I would definitely try.

To quote the group Calle 13, “un chamaquito sin educacion en una bala loca”- a kid without an education is a loose bullet. And if you don’t believe me, check out what is happening to children like Americo in Afghanistan, Kenya, Pakistan and Central America.

Got you thinking huh!?

Educacion--on a serious tip!

As I write this the state of Florida is trying to pass Amendment 1.

The idea is to double the home tax exemption and therefore lowering the tax burden of Floridians. Many politicians are supporting this as an quick effort to help gente that need tax relief. Since insurance premiums have risen and the state intervened on that, it makes sense that the Florida state government did the same thing. So, for now this amendment, if passed, will have to do. Some other politicians like Mark Rubio and Bob Martinez are talking about future proposals to further refine the tax issue and end up with something similar to what California did with proposition 13. A small percentage flat tax that was intended to save the homes of those poor retiring folks whose property taxes were taking a bite out of their fixed incomes. This was also known as a tax payer revolt.

But a funny thing happen as time went by. The population kept on growing and as state revenues did not increase the state school system, very slowly, started to decay. This process was very slow and by the mid 1990’s school districts started running out of money and had to be taken by the state. A state that before the passing of the proposition was number 1 in the nation in education, plummeted almost to the bottom. And to this day per student spending is still lagging behind. California’s economy is diverse and had those problems, imagine what would happen if a proposition like this were to pass here in Florida.

No one that has been proposing Amendment 1 has made the connection or tried to predict what would happen with the Florida School system. Not investing on a future resource like our children is bad policy…and before someone starts beating their chest and saying that we spend good money in our schools and we shouldn’t spend more you are incredibly wrong. The problem is not about the money being spent, but how it is managed. The lack of vision on the majority of the schools and school districts is easily hidden under the catch phrases of accountability and measured achievement. But that is another blog entry.

I hope this amendment does not pass. I don’t think that someone who can afford a million dollar condo by the beach should be paying his or her fair share of the tax for services provided. This amendment does not do that and until someone with big cojones decides to spell this and talk about it. All there will be is just lukewarm half-ass actions.

1 year in the futuro!

It’s been a year since the writer strike and no new tv shows have been produced.

The presidential election is still being decided since no one expected to have 100% voter turnout after the American people have been paying attention to the news.

Interestingly enough actors and actresses who had young children seem to have aged incredibly. Katie Holmes looks 40, has eye bags and her butt has grown large, Tom Cruise finally looks his age. Oh yes...and he finally came out of the closet. Oprah is fat again and Donald Trump said "fuck it" and finally had hair implants, the blonde afro has been copyrighted by him.

In Latino TV old novelas have resurfaced. Some in black and white and even Sabado Gigante reruns have been running. Don Francisco looks 40, no make up and is a 180 pounds ( Ricky Martin performed on his show and he had long hair).

George W. left the White House after which, breaking protocol, the white house staff started celebrating. It was overheard from latino staffers: "ya se fue ese orejon cabron!"

Gas is $5 dollars, J-Lo is pregnant again since Marc Anthony has super sperm! and JK Rowling has come up with a new book named Peter Anaya, the magical aztec chihuahua dog. Robert Rodriguez is set to direct the movie version. Children are wearing chihuahua costumes across the United States.

Viva my gente!

News from Puerto Rico
As heard through NotiUno podcast via I-tunes

Many lamp post and streetlights, primarily in the west side of the island are off because people have been stealing the copper wiring.

I shook my head when I heard this, but this gets better!

When the reporter tried to figure out who is responsible for fixing the problems he went to the most logical source: The electric company. The representative said: Well, we are responsible for some, but you have to check with the Department of Transportacion because this also falls under them.

So the reporter goes to the representative at the department of Transportation and he says: well you have to check with the electric company and the municipal government because they take care of this things.

When I left la isla in 1987, the government started burying the electric lines with the goals of beautifying towns and prevent down power lines during hurricanes. This means that people have been digging up the copper wire and stealing it. The government is now thinking of returning to hanging wires again because at least that way people were not stealing it.

Please take a moment to honor the creatividad of tecatos and junkies who have come up with a new way of making money.

My amiga Hillary!

I turned the computer and got lost in cyberspace.

I strayed.

Somehow I ended up reading about the Democratic presidential candidates. The noticias all about how Senator Clinton went to Arizona to try to appeal to Latino voters…and right under the news article there was the link with the description.

*”see Hillary’s Spanish ad.”

With great curiosity and an ominous feeling I clicked. Would she dare to speak Espanol? (Lord no!) Would Cristina (the Latina Oprah) be the voice over on the ad? (no wait I think she is republican)…Maybe Ricky Martin would make an appearance (since shaking his bom boms could bring more young Latino votes--that man gets me hot!). What icons would Hillary use?

The download was taking for-(wait…buffering...................................) forever. And then it started.

American flag (check), brown man (check), brown looking woman with REALLY good looking hair (check), the white house (damn! Check), mature Latino male voice using the word “Latino” (bonus point check!)…and so far its been 10 seconds.

Then the man is very articulate Espanish, tells me to support (apoyar) my amiga Hillary. And this is when I became encabronado. (horns grew out of my head like a very angry goat...ok so I botched this translation-screw you-I'm writing this!)

To have mature Latino male voice tell me that Hillary is my friend is to talk down to me and every Latino voter there is. Why is she my friend? Did she go to any quinceañeras in our family?

No.

If Hillary were to be my friend she would be coming over to our home at 4 am to start cooking lechon aka puerquito (pork) to make pasteles or tamales. Now that is a true friend. Envisioned this: Hillary with masa all over her fingers and sharing the chismes about her marido (husdand). She would tell us how Bill has been “portandose bien” after the “revolu” with la “gordita” Lewinsky.

But the ad gets better…the voice of the Latino man says that Hillary will provide health care (after eating pasteles and tamales we need that), create jobs and has said “ya basta” a la demagogia anti inmigrante….and that is when I said: “damn!”

Demagogia is a huge word. Inmediatamente I thought of this scary anti inmigrant demagogers (imagine the wizard Saruman from the Lord of the Rings) who are running around the US using their powers. Hillary would be like Gandalf, standing up against the forces of ignorance and racism. On the ad she is not holding a staff, but a microphone and then transitions to some brown person with a cowboy hat holding a sign that reads “United We Stand, too!” (check). The Latino voice continues saying how she will stand up to those that don’t have a voice: image of woman with a young child (single mothers-check) and two poor looking brown kids (check).
Hillary with American flag behind her and the date and time for when to vote appears.
January 19th at 11 am. (which for Latinos means 1 or 2 pm).
…and Hillary approved the message...in English.